Things have been going so well, I am kinda terrified.
Hmmm, let me back up.
My life, the large part that makes up the formative part, it really sucked. I should probably be crying all the time, really working through that. But as any baseline human, I adapted so I’d be able to function in society or something. Listen, I don’t know why I wrap myself in isolation and suspicion, it made a lot of sense a decade ago.
No, actually further back. Because my introduction to adult society was through the lens of homelessness and being a high school dropout. I’ve done pretty well, all things considered.
But when a lot of nice things line up, I get scared. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fuck.
I wonder if this self-awareness is a hint that I am getting closer to not letting it rule my brain. When one is mentally jumping at shadows all day, details and opportunities are missed. That is the primary external disadvantage.
The part I’d like to reduce is actually just the overwhelming dread that heaves upon me like an oppressive wave of rogue gravity. Because if I could think, I might be able to think my way out of this…
Which is another way of saying, I should feel. I should get a therapist. Though talking about it here kinda felt better!
I’ve read that “journaling” helps anxiety and depression, but I’ve never kept a private diary, everything gets published. But I don’t always want to share these things, especially because I am afraid to be judged before I have a chance to prove myself. I want to be recognized as a complex person, holding it together. Instead I feel like I am calling a target to my vulnerabilities…
Things have been going really well. I am kinda terrified. ^_^